Good Afternoon Dr. Rainford,
I finally feel moved to share with you my experience in marriage now that I have gotten some personal insights through a lot of quiet time of meditation. My husband is currently in the process of finding a new apartment so that he can literally escape from me. We have three children …(W and Y are seven and P is 7 months old), who are the subject of the divorce. He believes that I keep neglecting them in terms of the timing and nature of their meals and that I have placed too much spiritual pressure by asking him to give up his pleasure in watching violent shows (Marvel and DC). He does not spend enough time with us as a family in devotions. We use to pray but not anymore because of various conflicts. I admit I have contributed to the breakdown because of my sexual experience. I did not release and I was deliberately pushing away by the way I dress, my hair and care for nails because I did not want to have sex with him. I still need to get past the experience of being sexually molested… when I was about 8 years old. There is a lot more I could share because he and I grew up in a traumatic home situation. We have been separated before … He asked for the divorce in June 2018. The question is how do I get pass this desire for him to be more spiritual in terms of what I see in the bible pertaining to his role as a husband and father?
Dear “ Desiring a Spiritual Husband”,
I would never ask or expect you to get past your desire for your spouse to be more spiritual and I do not believe you should ask or expect that of yourself. That being said, what you can consider focusing on is how you treat your husband despite your desire for him to be more spiritual. Do you love him unconditionally in the way I am sure you love your children? Do you accept him for who he is even if he is not exactly who you want him to be? Do you show him that love and affection? Do you treat him in the way that you are called to biblically? One example is written in Corinthians. “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.” (1 Cor 7: 3-5, NIV) Based on some of what you revealed I suspect that the answer would be no for some of these questions. While I suspect that many other married women would answer no to some of these questions as well, I encourage you to act towards your husband as if all were a resounding yes. However given that you are on the verge of divorce I believe your marriage needs much more than my advice. I suggest you seek professional help as soon as possible to help you recover from the trauma of your childhood sexual abuse and to restore your marriage. I believe this is possible because “with God all things are possible ”(Matt 19; 26, NIV). It is my sincere hope that your marriage will be restored to a happy one.
Disclaimer: This advice is based on my opinion and is not a substitute for professional advice.
Dear Dr. Rainford,
I was in a relationship with only one person for the last 7 years. In those seven year he left me alone twice without telling me anything, but he came back and we started dating again. We were living happily with each other until January 2017. He went to Canada and upon his return he became irritable towards me. After that he left me again in May 2018. Now, I am waiting for him. I trust God and I believe that he will come back one day. Please guide me on what to do?
Dear “Lady in waiting”,
I am sorry that you are in this difficult situation but I believe it is time for you to let him go. Any man, who despite your long-term relationship feels it is okay to leave you without notice, is not the man you want. Yes you can be grateful and appreciate the happy times you had together but freeing yourself from him will liberate you from the anxiety that you likely experience when you are hoping for someone to return to your life but not sure if he ever will. It also allows you the opportunity to be open to new relationships. He may return again if it suits him but it seems that he is putting his needs above yours and that is unlikely to leave you feeling happy in the long run. My hope for you is that you remain open and allow in your life a man who loves and values you, not less than, but as much as he values himself.
Disclaimer: This advice is based on my opinion and is not a substitute for professional advice.
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